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The Captain

I usually only write when I’m angry. Tonight I write because my heart hurts. Why you ask? Well if you’re a baseball or even a sports fan you know who Derek Jeter is. He’s the shortstop for the Yankees, the longest tenured captain for the historic team. To me he is more than all of this. Today I read that this will be his last year and Ill never forget the time and place when I did see the announcement.

Being born in 1994 Ive maybe watched a total of 100 Yankee games that Jeter hasn’t played in. (Most being last season) Jeter is the Yankees to me. Of course I know the history of this historic franchise but Jeter has been it for me.

Jeter is my Michael Jordan, Hulk Hogan and Joe Montana rolled into one. No scratch that, Jeter has been bigger than all these golden images to me.

The first Yankee game I truly remember was Game Six of the 2003 World Series. I watched Josh Beckett dominate a team I had just fallen in love with. Ever since then it has been the Yankees in everything.

That summer I tried to copy cat the “Jeter Jump Throw” everything Jeter was I wanted to be. Hell I still want to be him. My generation of baseball has been filled with steroid scandals, sports in my generation in general have been filled with some terrible story’s. Yet this man has managed to stay clear off all of this.

Always playing the game the right way, respecting the game, staying quite and letting his game do the talking. Boy did his game talk.

Jeter is baseball, in a season that is mentally and physically grueling Jeter is always hustling. I love watching him run out ground balls love watching him chasing a foul ball that is 20 rows deep in the stands.

I’ve been lucky enough to watch Jeter play live twice. This year I plan to make it a third. I’m done being sad about this news. The way I see it we have around 150 guaranteed games maybe even less to watch this man play the game he has put so much into it. I plan to celebrate every single one of them.

I’m not sure if I’m right to say “world series or bust” but it would truly be a fairy-tale ending to a glorious story. Who would of thought that a kid from “Kalamazoo” would go down as one of if not the greatest Yankees of all time.

I leave you with this. It has been so much fun and a complete honor to watch Jeter play. The inspiration from Jeter to give your all every single play on and off the field and to never give up is something I will take with me wherever I go. You owe us nothing more Derek. I can not wait to tell young kids that I got to watch the great Jeter in the living flesh play the great game of baseball.

Thank you so much Derek Jeter. You’ll always be my captain and I wish you many years of happiness after baseball. You deserve it.

Much love,


Fuck “sorry”

There comes appoint in life when “sorry” just doesn’t cut it anymore….
From my early childhood I would venture to say the word “sorry” has completely lost its meaning to me….

When you use a word so much it starts to lose its value….

When someone says “I would say I’m sorry but you wouldn’t believe me anyways” it usually means I’ve continuously fucked up but I feel like this word takes all that back….

Being burned and hurt by so many close “family” and “friends” I have no use for the word sorry….

Once you invest so much in a person and they continuously burn you and make you look like a fool there comes a time when you must give up…not give up on the person but that persons actions….

Until the person make an attempt to change or help themselves the word sorry has no meaning…..people use sorry as a scapegoat….

If you didn’t think about the consequences while you were doing something you shouldn’t have been doing then your not sorry…..your just sorry you got caught….

Make a change….make your words have meaning

Much love

My admissions as a man…

I feel like it’s time to admit a few things in my life:

First of all I’m the son of addict….and I’m dam proud of it….the mountains my mom has moved are unbelievable…she is by far the strongest person I have ever met….was she a great mother? Not at all but she put the idea in my head that I can be more than what people perceive me to be….she has never givin up on me and always pushes me to be the best I can be but also just wants me to be to happy…wether that includes working at Mac or going to Harley school she cares about my happiness…she is my best friend

Second: I am a coward…..
I am one of the biggest cowards you will ever meet….I run away from the hardships….I’ve dealt with so many hardships it’s crazy….but in the end I always find myself in the bottom of a bottle drowning my sorrows in a bottle of captain morgan….to me it’s easier to be so drunk I don’t have to think or feel at all….wether its drinking or puffing on a blunt I will do anything to hide my feelings….it’s easier to not talk about something than it is to talk about…I don’t look for anyone’s pitty I deal with my shit the way I deal with it

Third: I am man enough to admit my mistakes/flaws….
I know when I’ve done wrong….I know when I’ve fucked up….I know my habits gets the best of me….I know I’m not the greatest friend or significant other….I have no excuses for these things but the fact that I am a regular person with many flaws….I in no means intend to put myself above anyone else….I try it to judge for I know how it feels….I will 100% admit when I have fucked up….which is alot of the time

Fourth: to some people I come off as a biker drunk with no cares….
But those who know me know exactly the opposite……I care about other sometimes to much….I give second chances way to easy….I love very easily… heart is huge….which might be one of my biggest flaws….the outer shell I have is the complete opposite of who I am….I wear my heart on my sleeve and care about my friends and family more than I care about myself…

Fifth: who I am hates who I’ve been….
I’ve been the shittiest person in life…..I’ve thought the world was against me….I thought I could never love….I thought no one gave a shit about a kid from “the meth house”…..I was wrong….I have so many people that care for me it’s ridiculous….but yet I still feel like I’ve got nothing….I have the greatest support system a 19 year old kid could ask for….my friends are unbelievable….truely the best friends in the world…no matter how many times they should have given up on me they never have….I love you all very much….I have grown up so much from the cocky kid in the air Jordan’s to in my mind a somewhat respectable man….I’ve evolved my mind and try to see more than one side to the story

And sixth: I battle with depression every day of my life…..
Many days I don’t feel like getting out of bed….no matter how great the day before was….I just feel sad and tired….I completely block people out and push them away….I usually compare this to a women’s pms….lol yes I just said that….it hits once a month and I just feel like shutting down…many people don’t understand depression….I couldn’t ever expect someone to understand it when they haven’t dealt with it….I’ve done the medication route I’ve tried everything….you learn to live with it….you just live for tomorrow and hope it gets a little easier you hope you wake up a little happier than the day before….depression is the worst thing someone can deal with….

Anyways I just sit half drunk finally realizing I need to get these things off my chest….I could give a shit less if people read this but it makes me feel a little at ease….

Much love,

My take on relationships

As I lay wide awake tonight I began to think about the steps of a relationship for a kid around my age (19 almost 20!)

Lets just say you have never met him/her: you know nothing about them.

Maybe it’s just me but this is how I think it goes:

First off you your physically attracted to them…..remember you know nothing about this person……

Second you start to familiarize with said person….you go over the basic shit….music interest favorite movies favorite food all that good stuff

After that comes this weird phase….you start to be a little more flirty maybe you’ve hung out with this person a few times and your trying to get a feel on how the other person feels… don’t want to jump the gun and face rejection because absolutely nobody like rejection….

Alright so you’ve asked this person out and they said yes! Congrats!!!! Now comes the best part of relationships….the fire is there between you two. you go out all the time, great date nights, hanging out with friends not to mention the sex is great!

But somewhere in the next seven months to a year all that shit fades away… stay in alot more….you start wanting to be able to hang out with your friends alone….you don’t talk near as much and you start to see little shit your significant other does that just irritates you….

So shits bad now and your wondering what to do….most of the time you do one of two things ….either start to slowly push that person away for the next two months until they ask you what’s wrong where you deny the first few times then finally let them down.
Or you second option: let them down as soon as you started to grow irritated…..

Fast forward and you’ve broken up, now most of the time the person who breaks up with the other just has a hay day the first weekend they get out of the relationship…. Partying hooking up being “happy” all that crap that goes on for around two months

All the while the person who gotten broken up with sits broken hearted: here you thought things were great, then boom! Like a freight train your world is ending (trust me: it’s not) so you sit there listening to sappy songs watching sappy movies feeling sorry for yourself….don’t feel like doing anything and don’t understand how life can go on….first you hurt so much then you start to hate….you hate that the person you exposed yourself to broke your heart….you hate because it’s easy….you may forgive but you’ll never forget

About two months later and the roles are usually reversed: the person who did the breaking up usually realizes they fucked up and automatically post a status/tweet reading that very tired lyric of “you don’t know what you got till its gone” they start to hurt just as much as the person who got broken up with ….they send the “sorry” texts the lengthy texts trying anything to get the other back

But all the while the person who got broken up with has realized that hey life goes on after a break up…they’ve accepted it dealt with their feelings and moved on….usually they come to a conclusion “they didnt deserve to be treated the way they were, they are better than that” and then they go out havin a good time and living their life being happy again

The person who did the breaking up? Ya they are sitting there checking the others tweets/status wondering how the other is so happy and moved on so “quick”

(hey dumbass while they were hurt you were doing the same thing, now you’ve realized you fucked up and want them back….ha! Idiot)

Time passes then you slowly either fade completely apart because theres still hate between you two
or become good friends putting the past away and growing up and being there for each other….you then bitch to each other about your current relationship check In every now and you say “we need to catch up soon” but in reality you have no plans seeing the other and texting is good enough….

Anyways that’s my take on relationships for kids around my age…..note this isn’t about my past relationship I just think about weird shit when I can’t sleep! Feel free to comment on my flaws in theory or your own theories!

Much love,

An apology to my friends..

Tonight I have ended a five year relationship that has made me make alot of mistakes… I’m not writing about this relationship because be honest no one really cares about another sappy feel sorry for yourself story…..fuck that…..

I just wanted to take a quick minute and tell all of my friends that I am sorry…..I make mistakes, I’m human, I cry, I bleed, I feel, I care.

I hope you all can realize that I am not perfect and even though you had nothing but the best intentions for me I never listened….why? I have no idea.

You guys have never led me astray before and never will….but for some reason I couldn’t listen….

So I’m sorry for I’m sure lying to you, ditching you, not trusting you, not listening to you, not taking the time to even entertain your thoughts….

I have failed you as a friend and I promise to do better

That’s all I can say, and I hope you understand

You all are the best people I could ever ask for….many of you family

Much love


sucess and happiness

sometimes i wonder wether sucess and happiness are the exact same thing?

to me they come hand in hand with each other.

the way i determine my overall “sucess” is based off of my overall “happiness”

for some though i dont feel like this is the case.

i think that most people measure happiness off of the amount of “sucess” that they expeiernce.

sucess for some is amount of money they have or how good at sports or hobbies they are, or how many material things they have to represent their life.

i feel like everyone in the entire world has just an equal opportunity to be sucessfull as anyone else.

the amount of money or your living status in my mind should have absoutley nothing to do with this.

sucess is happiness for me, so as long as i have the friends that i have and the family i have no matter where i am in the universe i will always be suessfull.

sucess comes with happiness not the other way around.

i also feel like as a kid you have so much pressure to succeed at so many different things. and failure can not be accepted. but if you put everything you have in a circumstance and still fail i feel like you have no reason to hold your head. the facts are simple you will not be great at everything you do. some one out there is faster bigger and stronger. but with inner peace and happiness you can accept these things and be sucessfull.

sucess is such a broad term used to much. be happy not matter what. if we all chose to sit back and wait for happiness to come to us the world wouldnt be very fun. so relax find happiness and sucess will come. i know in the things i have been through in life that with out my friends to keep me happy i would be in a dark place.

i think it was tupac who said “even the darkest night turns into day”

thanks for reading feel free to share your thoughts or your own definitions of what these terms mean!

much love

First blog

I’ve been thinking about starting a blog recently just covering my thoughts and some activities that I’ve done or will be doing. I won’t focus much on the correct grammar but try to keep it simple. I’m sure at times my thoughts my offend some people but remember these are only my thoughts right or wrong.