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My admissions as a man…

December 14, 2013

I feel like it’s time to admit a few things in my life:

First of all I’m the son of addict….and I’m dam proud of it….the mountains my mom has moved are unbelievable…she is by far the strongest person I have ever met….was she a great mother? Not at all but she put the idea in my head that I can be more than what people perceive me to be….she has never givin up on me and always pushes me to be the best I can be but also just wants me to be to happy…wether that includes working at Mac or going to Harley school she cares about my happiness…she is my best friend

Second: I am a coward…..
I am one of the biggest cowards you will ever meet….I run away from the hardships….I’ve dealt with so many hardships it’s crazy….but in the end I always find myself in the bottom of a bottle drowning my sorrows in a bottle of captain morgan….to me it’s easier to be so drunk I don’t have to think or feel at all….wether its drinking or puffing on a blunt I will do anything to hide my feelings….it’s easier to not talk about something than it is to talk about…I don’t look for anyone’s pitty I deal with my shit the way I deal with it

Third: I am man enough to admit my mistakes/flaws….
I know when I’ve done wrong….I know when I’ve fucked up….I know my habits gets the best of me….I know I’m not the greatest friend or significant other….I have no excuses for these things but the fact that I am a regular person with many flaws….I in no means intend to put myself above anyone else….I try it to judge for I know how it feels….I will 100% admit when I have fucked up….which is alot of the time

Fourth: to some people I come off as a biker drunk with no cares….
But those who know me know exactly the opposite……I care about other sometimes to much….I give second chances way to easy….I love very easily…..my heart is huge….which might be one of my biggest flaws….the outer shell I have is the complete opposite of who I am….I wear my heart on my sleeve and care about my friends and family more than I care about myself…

Fifth: who I am hates who I’ve been….
I’ve been the shittiest person in life…..I’ve thought the world was against me….I thought I could never love….I thought no one gave a shit about a kid from “the meth house”…..I was wrong….I have so many people that care for me it’s ridiculous….but yet I still feel like I’ve got nothing….I have the greatest support system a 19 year old kid could ask for….my friends are unbelievable….truely the best friends in the world…no matter how many times they should have given up on me they never have….I love you all very much….I have grown up so much from the cocky kid in the air Jordan’s to in my mind a somewhat respectable man….I’ve evolved my mind and try to see more than one side to the story

And sixth: I battle with depression every day of my life…..
Many days I don’t feel like getting out of bed….no matter how great the day before was….I just feel sad and tired….I completely block people out and push them away….I usually compare this to a women’s pms….lol yes I just said that….it hits once a month and I just feel like shutting down…many people don’t understand depression….I couldn’t ever expect someone to understand it when they haven’t dealt with it….I’ve done the medication route I’ve tried everything….you learn to live with it….you just live for tomorrow and hope it gets a little easier you hope you wake up a little happier than the day before….depression is the worst thing someone can deal with….

Anyways I just sit half drunk finally realizing I need to get these things off my chest….I could give a shit less if people read this but it makes me feel a little at ease….

Much love,
freemindhd

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2 Comments
  1. Abbie permalink

    Dennis,
    These messages are important. You say you have a hard time dealing with what life has to throw at you. You are expressing yourself right here right now, and that takes a lot of guts. Drunk people often come out with the truth. It’s funny to watch drunk people because they act sort of “crazy,” but really most of the time the drunk is the honest. I respect you for all that you have said in these messages. It takes guts. Also, writing this out may help to clear your head, so keep going! You have a great future ahead of you. You are what defines you, nobody else. I can’t imagine the things you have been through or are going through, but those who haven’t walked away from you are there for a reason. They love you and they too want to see you happy. Life will knock you down, but one thing is for sure, you always get back up. I know you hide a lot of things, and that’s okay, it’s all your own business. You’ve always been there for the ones you care about. I don’t think somewhat is acceptable, in my opinion. You are a good person. You are respectable. So what you sin differently than others? You have come along way and you will continue to grow throughout your life. I don’t think you are going to find your answers at the bottom of the bottle, but I ain’t judging you for the way you handle your life. Do what you gotta do, just be careful. (Starting to sound like a mom tryna protect her cub.) I admire you for owning up some of the stuff you have said here. Never give up hope because even though I may not fully understand depression or the things you are going through, I do believe you have a great life set out for you. Believe in yourself and always follow your heart, and always always always do what makes YOU happy, nobody else. Just an opinion.

    Much love,
    Abbie

  2. Abbie permalink

    Sorry…litterally was just thinking…totally understand now….

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